Chuck Norris Jokes

[role model]

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is a man of few words. Chuck Norris is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

The Americans where going to drop Chuck Norris on Hiroshima, but they decided a nuclear bomb was more humane

[MrBman]

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now call this beverage Red Bull

[Ian Smith]

Chuck Norris doesnt get wet when he jumps in the water,, wet gets Chuck norris.

[jasthace]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

[LayinLo]

- Chuck Norris once beat a wall at a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
- Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero
- Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris once had sex with your mom in the back of an 18 wheeler Semi-Truck. Some of his sperm got out and into the engine compartment. We now now this truck as Optimus Prime.
- Chuck Norris has two speeds: fast and kill.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

A British Scientist conducted an experiment by bottling Chuck Norris's piss and selling it as a soda. It is now marketed and called Red Bull. (sorry, I just saw this was already posted.)

And lastly,
After Pearl Harbor was attacked in 1941, The United States had opted to send in Chuck Norris to annihilate the Japanese. After much thought, it was decided to just drop an atomic bomb, because this was ruled to be more humane. (sorry, just saw this one too.)

[LayinLo]

- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
- Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
- When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say
please."
- Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

[role model]

LOL, thread still going.

[Snapcase]

Chuck Norris's toilet paper:

[role model]

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

[asapnutrition1]

Originally Posted by role model

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Some very interesting jokes. Had me chuckling.

[novicebb]

So funny. Ok I will finally post some.

-The Devil prays to Jesus to protect him from Chuck Norris

-Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

-Chuck Norris can make any woman orgasm by pointing his fingers at her and shouting "booya!

-When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

-Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it

-Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

-Chuck Norris kicked all of the Power Rangers asses so impressively that the producers of Power Rangers change it to Walker Texas Ranger.

-If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

-When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

[Kayz]

If you have $5, and Chuck Norris has $5..Chuck Norris has more money than you.

[Kayz]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

[Ian Smith]

Good stuff...lol